"Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. Don't be impressed with yourself. Don't compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life." --Galatians 6:4, The Message
I just read this book called Peculiar Treasures by Robin Jones Gunn. The book itself was fabulous, but the note from the author at the end of it was more than fabulous. She tells her readers that God did his creative best when he designed us and wrote the stories for our lives. We have a privilege to take his creativity and use it in our lives. Then she asks us what we see God doing in our lives right now? It's one of those questions you can just breeze through and see as a rhetorical question, but I stopped to answer it. And I have no answer.
I think I'm starting to understand myself. Part of the verse in Galatians said to not be impressed with ourselves or compare ourselves to others. I've been very bad at that. I feel like I'm so close to God--and I am, don't get me wrong--but I was using that as an excuse to exalt myself. Maybe not in an obvious, outward way, but inside I've been using my relationship with God as a confidence boost. And confidence in an "I'm better than they are because I'm closer to God" way.
Looking into the future, I have no idea of what I want to do with my life. I know what I enjoy and what I excel in, but I have no clear answer. I don't sense any direction. I'm thinking that maybe it's because I'm not as close to God as my selfish heart claims I am.
Today was upsetting. I'm mad at myself. I feel like there's a hole in my chest that shouldn't be there, some stupid high school drama thing that shouldn't be affecting me, if I'm so close to God. Because He should be filling me completely. Instead I'm...comparing myself to others and spending precious time thinking about a guy.
Anyone who's reading this, I need help. I'm trying to become closer to God and...well, be humble, I guess. I'm a proud person, just like the rest of the world. And I don't know how to turn to God. I mean, I do, I just don't know where to start.
So I'm sorry, to all of you. I'm sorry that I've compared myself to all of you and had the audacity to think that I might be more deserving than any of you. Please forgive me. And if you do, please pray for me.
I love all of you.
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a small glimpse of me
It's always so hard to express yourself the way you want to, to put your life into words with eloquence that people besides yourself can understand. I endeavor to find that way and give others a chance to glimpse into my version of the word "life".
Insights
a small glimpse of me
3 comments:
i love how you emptied yourself. wow..God is moving in you. we need that clensing. to be humbled. self pride is idolitry and i am guilty of it from time to time. when are we meeting at the coffee shop again?
When do you want to meet? I'm open basically anytime.
girlfriend...
i know what that's like. this is an ongoing process. it doesn't end, and it doesn't get much better. you will improve, but in comparison to where you (and me and the rest of the world) need to be, it's so small. but God loves you not matter what. you've opened your eyes to see this, and now the best thing you can do is improve. is to work and to look for and apologize. i need to be more honest.
here's my conclusion about guys: thinking about them is okay, but they need to not be the first ranking order. and i'm terrible at that. this weekend i've been constantly thinking about kj, because he's in darlington, and so he hasn't been emailing me, because he hasn't had internet access. but this weekend...i don't know. i've been at loose ends with myself, and who iam and being okay with it, so i've done a lot of turning to God.
okay, random stuff. bottom line: God loves you despite deficiencies (sp?). work on it. you can do it. i know you can, because you are strengthened by the man who bore humiliation, pain, and death.
love you,
emilea
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