Dance

She turns her face to the sun,
like flower petals opening to greet
light and warmth for the first time.
She sways, drags her foot along the sand
in a sweeping pattern; she reaches out slowly
to balance herself.
She jumps from tip-toe to tip-toe.
Waves tickle her legs and she giggles.
She spins quickly, almost gracelessly;
her arms form an arc above her head.
There is no clear pattern;
all movement is spontaneous.
She is vaguely aware that she can't dance,
but fully senses the pounding of her heart,
filled with a burning passion
that pulls her into a leap
and makes laughter bubble out of her mouth.
When she is alone, she sings or speaks;
words praise the One who made the glorious ocean.
Occasionally she asks questions;
she thinks aloud and walks through the stillness
interrupted by crashing waves.
Her worship doesn't end, however.
She shouts for joy and smiles in satisfaction.
He knows His plans for her,
and she anticipates eagerly His will for her life.

Question: Did someone hack into my account and add that "Insights" comment at the top? I absolutely love it, but I definitely didn't put it there.

God's Decree

I came across this passage when I opened my Bible tonight:

This is what God said:

"Before I shaped you in the womb,
I knew all about you.
Before you saw the light of day,
I had holy plans for you:
A prophet to the nations--
that's what I had in mind for you."

But I said, "Hold it, Master God! Look at me.
I don't know anything. I'm only a boy!"

God told me, "Don't say, 'I'm only a boy.'
I'll tell you where to go and you'll go there.
I'll tell you what to say and you'll say it.
Don't be afraid of a soul.
I'll be right there, looking after you."
God's Decree.

--Jeremiah 1:4-8, The Message

This seems pretty straightforward, doesn't it? After I read it, I started thinking about how this happens with all of us. Like, God empowers us, gifts us, in ways that are pleasing to Him and that we should use for Him; but we make up excuses. "I'm too young." "I don't have time for that right now." "I'm not all that good, really" (even though we're very certain of our capabilities).

Are we so full of ourselves and what we can do that we have to horde it? Do we feel like the only way to be fulfilled is to use our gifts for our pleasure, rather than God's? He gave us our talents! The least we could do is give some of it back.

I'm really bad about this too. But I don't want to relinquish just some of it. I want Him to have it all! I was actually writing to Him about this, and I was about to promise Him that I'd change. But then I stopped. I couldn't do it. It was like He was saying, "Evelyn. Come on. Your word has no power over what you do or don't do. It's My Word that makes the changes." And it's so true. It's God's Word that makes us different, better, and brings us to our knees so that we can offer it all to Him.

How many of us want to get to that point? Where our lives our not our own, that they belong to God? I think that we should want that, since it's God's decree that we do it. Read it again. He states pretty clearly that He has a mission for us, and we will do as He says, because He's all-knowing. Master God. A different version says "Sovereign Lord". All of these names center around the God who gave us our unique talents and wrote our life stories. It's not easy to get there, of course. But that's why He gave us the Bible, so we can get to know Him better and grow closer to Him. By becoming fully His, we change through Him.

Creative Best

"Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. Don't be impressed with yourself. Don't compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life." --Galatians 6:4, The Message

I just read this book called Peculiar Treasures by Robin Jones Gunn. The book itself was fabulous, but the note from the author at the end of it was more than fabulous. She tells her readers that God did his creative best when he designed us and wrote the stories for our lives. We have a privilege to take his creativity and use it in our lives. Then she asks us what we see God doing in our lives right now? It's one of those questions you can just breeze through and see as a rhetorical question, but I stopped to answer it. And I have no answer.

I think I'm starting to understand myself. Part of the verse in Galatians said to not be impressed with ourselves or compare ourselves to others. I've been very bad at that. I feel like I'm so close to God--and I am, don't get me wrong--but I was using that as an excuse to exalt myself. Maybe not in an obvious, outward way, but inside I've been using my relationship with God as a confidence boost. And confidence in an "I'm better than they are because I'm closer to God" way.

Looking into the future, I have no idea of what I want to do with my life. I know what I enjoy and what I excel in, but I have no clear answer. I don't sense any direction. I'm thinking that maybe it's because I'm not as close to God as my selfish heart claims I am.

Today was upsetting. I'm mad at myself. I feel like there's a hole in my chest that shouldn't be there, some stupid high school drama thing that shouldn't be affecting me, if I'm so close to God. Because He should be filling me completely. Instead I'm...comparing myself to others and spending precious time thinking about a guy.

Anyone who's reading this, I need help. I'm trying to become closer to God and...well, be humble, I guess. I'm a proud person, just like the rest of the world. And I don't know how to turn to God. I mean, I do, I just don't know where to start.

So I'm sorry, to all of you. I'm sorry that I've compared myself to all of you and had the audacity to think that I might be more deserving than any of you. Please forgive me. And if you do, please pray for me.

I love all of you.